The best an American can look forward to is the lonely pleasure of one who stands at long last on a chilly and inhospitable mountaintop where few have been before, where few can follow and where few will consent to believe he has been. -George F. Kennan

Until now, I have never lived lower than the 3rd floor (at college).

Things I like about living on the 1st floor:

1. No stairs.

2. The laundry room (and the mailroom because I've made my official exit from Lyons hall) are like, right there, down one tiny flight of stairs. 

3. There are people here, I am not alone.

4. I have a big window again after my year of a tiny window on L4S.

Things I don't like about living on the 1st floor:

1. Bugs.

2. I have a big window, but I'm in the corner of Joyce and can't survey over the whole quad like I did from L414. 

3. There are people living above me now. Noise. 

4. Lawn mowers. Right up in my window. Good morning. 

5. Bugs everywhere.

6. In Joyce the doors are bright red and the walls are sort of light blue... what?

Already, I am so used to campus being quiet. I forget what it's like to have more than 1 dorm full of people on campus. I've learned how to be lonely pretty well the past few weeks. I think it's pretty good training for all of the plans I have for myself. All of these ideas of going "west" and going to grad school, living far away and in as many places as I can, I've realized that this means that I'll be alone a lot. I think it will be worth it when I hopefully, accomplish a lot of things and feel good about them, and because I know no matter where I am or how lonely I am, there are more than 5 people I can call at any time to make me feel like a real person again. And, this might sound obnoxious, but: I know I can make friends anywhere. In social situations, if I put the effort in, I can make friends. I don't know why it works for me or why other people struggle with it, maybe it's some sort of weird survival skill I have from elementary school when my dad always doubted my ability to be social, but I know that wherever I go I can find someone to talk to. 

I feel like a lot of people have this image of me that is sort of "independent, well-planned, mature, etc" which while I suppose has always been true, has never felt as real as it's felt in the last month. Besides the fact that the things I'm doing are great and I'm excited to be here, the fact that I literally cannot see myself ever moving home again is a bit scary. Scary that when I was there for five days two weeks ago, I didn't feel like I lived there, and I felt like even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I still can't figure out how I feel about it. I really want to be all of those things and I'm trying to be them cheerfully, but sometimes, I just want to be 20.