I hate being reminded of mortality. I mean, okay, I don't particularly have that much of a problem with myself dying. I know that it will happen one day, and I'm actually pretty content with whenever that happens. Still, the only thing I regret is my relationship with my father, and that and anything else that may occasionally bother me are really things I can't do anything about anymore. It's not so much my own mortality that bothers me. I'm happy with myself, whatever happens. What bothers me is hearing about others passing away. Spring of freshman year I had a time when I became completely overwhelmed with the seemingly constant news of someone dying. It seemed like every other week someone who I either knew/knew of/was somehow in connection to was dying. Since, it has happened less frequently. My mom mentioned to me when I worried about this before that the more people I know, the more people I'm apt to know to die. I don't like that. I'm still struggling with the fact that I am a self-sufficient person, that I am basically an adult. I still think it's weird that I do so many things on my own already - I can't believe that today my only older cousin (by 3 months) turned 21. I can't believe I will be that age in 3 months. I still can't grasp that I'm an adult, and that's as matured as I've become... I'm not to a point of grasping anything else real about life. I'm still wavering around the place where I can see and accept that people I know can die. On a similar note, it's strange to me that one of my friends is getting married. I don't feel like I'm at a point where I can have friends get married, or pass away.
When I found out about this most recent occurrence, I was discussing with a friend how it feels like in recent years, the past decade, the number of deaths of students or graduates at my high school is strangely high. By the time the class of seniors I knew as a freshman graduated from college, two of them had passed away. How horrifying is that? I can't fathom that in the next two years I could lose two classmates. I mean, the case is probably very extreme... but it did happen in one case. Now 2011 is missing a member before even graduating. How must that feel? I can't imagine how my senior year/entire life would have been different if someone was missing. I just feel like everytime that I somehow forget that people die, or when I'm not looking, it sneaks back and reminds me. Also, makes me wonder why I'm slowly becoming so paranoid about losing the ones I love (like my mom, she just turned 50! I know it's not that old yet, but just 10 short years ago she was 40! soon she will be 60! her dad died at 68! once I get worried about this it becomes all consuming! ah!)... I worry over losing my loved ones, but don't worry at all about losing myself.
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